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Francesca K R.
05 February 2012 @ 08:53 pm
I think I'm going to try to write in here every day until I notice a change in my anger, and then I want to decrease my posts. I already feel slightly calmer after getting it out last night, and I even had a four hour nap during the day after having a restless sleep at night. It's worrying me though that even if I do get some anger out in here, that it won't matter because I'm still going to be unbearable in person. I tried putting more thought into what I was saying today at work, but I always do. I always think about what I'm going to say, and what reactions it might result in but I can never stop myself. I think it's because I'm ignored so often that I just feel like I need to force people to listen in order to have my say... and then I don't stop.

My mood might be slightly better today because I've had a productive day. Work was empty, so I left four hours into my shift and ended up just doing most of my weeks homework today. My time just passes by doing work and homework, or revising.

It's been a week since I've seen Aaron. This is how I see my weeks now. Tomorrow is Monday, and then I'll only have to wait until Friday to see him again. I'm not getting any better with this, and I keep crying because of how much I miss him. I try to start arguments with him sometimes, just to feel like the conversation is so powerful that he could actually be here with me. I don't do it consciously, but there must be a reason why I always seem to be the one to pick fights.

All I can think of is that in just a few months I'll be in York, and I'll be close to him again. It will be a fresh start away from my family, and it will hopefully be a chance to be myself. Maybe that's what's wrong with me? I stayed on at college an extra year so maybe I feel like I've stunted myself and I don't know who I am.

I know that I'm a writer, but since the rape I've not been able to write any stories.

I know I love animals and that my career will be in the industry, but I don't feel like that defines me.

I used to be this sweet, quite, naive girl who people loved and went to for advice. I used to write stories in my short time, stories that made people happy, or sad, or at least feel something powerful. I used to have more friends than I can count, and now I can honestly say I don't know who my friends are. Most of them only seem to open up to me when they're drunk, and then they tell me that they love me. Is that what it takes? There are plenty of people that I can't stand whilst sober but love whilst drunk - maybe I'm one of those people.

The thing is, I'm better. Surely I am. I don't cut anymore, and I don't smoke so much. Drinking has recently become a problem, but at least it's social and not reclusive like before, like my mum. I prefer the way I look, and I'm starting to feel like I have my own style. I've put on a lot of weight, in comparison to how I used to be but I don't feel like that defines me as much. I actually don't feel anything about me defines myself. Maybe that's what rape does to you, I honestly just don't give a damn about my body. If I feel pretty, that's great... but I'll also feel scared and jumpy. If I feel ugly, that's horrible... but I feel safe. I feel defined by his actions, like he still has ownership of me.

I just feel like I've done everything that I could be doing right now. I've got an unconditional offer into university because of last years grades. I'm just doing this year for the shits and giggles. I did all my drinking and drugs and smoking back when I was younger. I did all the parties and did all the stuff with my friends. Now I'm just waiting for the next stage of my life which is university so I just fill it with things I can do, like going out and getting paralytic and spending money I shouldn't spend.
 
 
Francesca K R.
04 February 2012 @ 10:32 pm
I'm not quite sure why I'm trying to get my feelings out this way, it's been so long since I wrote on here that I'm not even sure if I can get the words out right. I've not been able to write on here since all that stuff happened two years back, and I think I got too afraid to open up properly to an indirect audience. It always seemed easier to complain on Facebook, or to a friend because then I can gage reactions but I don't think this has worked too well. If anything it's made me worse. I'm always looking through my posts and deleting all of the ones that seem to whiney, or if I post too many or if no one acknowledges them.

I want my complaints to be heard and to be relevant - if I don't complain, then who's to say I'm not going to start cutting again, or smoking, or taking drugs again? I've already become dependant on drink again. If I don't get it out this way, I'll just hurt myself.

Ever since Aaron left my university it's like my support has just gone and I'm terrified because I feel like I've just lost all of my friends. People keep comparing me to my past self and I wish I could be that naive and sympathetic towards everyone but I can't because I don't trust now. Nice guys are people I have to watch myself around in case they abuse me, and my friends are people who might be silently judging me. I can just feel everyone hiding stuff from me, and not telling me how they feel. The one guy, besides Aaron, that I really let in and told about all of the rape and the abuse seemed to understand - until he started feeling me up when no one was watching. I never thought it was something that he was capable of, because I felt like my old self around him. He just proved me right - I let my guard down and he abused me too.

Just last night one friend said that they thought I was a beautiful person, and that I'm always so kind to people. It hurt because she doesn't know me anymore, and the last time she really knew me was before all of the stuff happened and before I lost all my innocence. Now I just can't help but hate everything, I want to complain about everything and I want to hurt people who do me wrong and that's not how I used to be. I just feel like this scared child who is losing everything and her family or friends don't care because they can't see past the physical appearance.

My mum can't wait for me to leave, and to my dad I'm just background noise. My sister has got away, and she's started a new life and brought a new life into the world, something that adores her and relies on her. Who relies on me? I used to love the person that I was, and everyone seemed to love me too even if I could be annoyingly innocent. Now I pick faults in everything as a defence mechanism and people just don't want to know.

I just want to leave for university and start fresh, go back to who I was. I keep saying it to Aaron, that I'm going to get better and that I'm going to change. Truth is, I don't think I have it in me. There has just been this slow transition into something I hate for two years and it's not stopping. It would take longer to reverse that and I don't have that kind of time. I feel like I'm losing hours and every minute is wasted.

He just won't get out of my head. The doubt won't either - the people around me who act sympathetic, and then agree but I can see it in their eyes. They don't really believe me. If it was rape, why would I stay so long? Why would I not have changed suddenly? Why did I go off with a new guy so quickly? I don't know, but it was. It was always rape, but how can I fight this idea of victim blaming and stereotypical sexual abuse? I don't feel like the victim. I feel like it was my fault, that I deserved it for giving him a chance. I should never have trusted him, but I did and now I don't think I can ever start a new friendship without silently judging.

That's an interesting point actually. Since the rape - I keep calling it rape, because I've never referred to it as that before and it might give me some kind of closure - but since the rape I've not made new friends. Not really. I've made work acquaintances, and people to go out to town with but I've lost so many and gained nothing.

I just want to know everything that everyone is thinking, but I don't. I don't know how I'm going to carry on.
 
 
Francesca K R.
08 February 2011 @ 02:28 pm
Everyone thinks I'm so damaged from what you did, and yeah - I am... but no where near as what he did to me.

I wonder whether I'll ever get over it.
 
 
Francesca K R.
05 January 2011 @ 09:16 pm
I want to put myself in hospital just so my mum would care.

I don't think she would. I think she'd hate me more.
 
 
Francesca K R.
01 January 2011 @ 04:28 pm
I don't know how you mustered up the courage to do something so hurtful, ignorant and despicable as that. You could have let me know, made sure I didn't want to join in. Do you know how much it's hurt me? I feel so invisible. Why don't you want to know me anymore?

I'm still the same girl that used to cut.
I'm still the same girl that used to make herself throw up.
I'm still the same girl that used to skip breakfast and lunch.
I'm still the same girl that used to need you to help me out, talk me out of killing myself.

Just because I don't do those things now, doesn't mean I'm not the same girl and that I'm not capable of it.

I feel so invisible...

How would you feel if one day I wasn't here? The sad thing is I doubt you'd care.

Any of you.
 
 
 
Francesca K R.
27 December 2010 @ 11:07 pm
I feel fat and disgusting.
I feel boring and replaced.
I feel abandoned and hurt.
I feel unloved by my parents and an accessory to the rest.
I feel helpless, hopeless and horrible.
I feel that I want a change.
I feel shame because I know I'm too weak.
I feel the hope being crushed.
I know I'll be like this all year, and I can't be.

Something needs to change, but I'm just too weak.
 
 
Francesca K R.
18 April 2010 @ 02:03 pm
 
 
Current Location: Sheffield, UK
Current Mood: creativecreative
Current Music: Sugarcult - Bouncing Off the Walls.